My beloved colleague River Drosera has told me more than once that Teen Vogue kicks ass, and I'm delighted to see that their ass-kickery includes discussing my favorite double taboo: sexuality and disability. Last week was a little heavy on the soul-crushery, world-weary factor for me, so I'm going to choose to frame this as a sign of cultural change on the way. Thanks, Teen Vogue, for joining and broadening this conversation! Read the article here.
Penny Pepper in The Debrief (UK): "I'm Too Sexy For My Chair."
I discovered Penny Pepper's writing early in my disability and sexuality research and studies obsession. She published "Desires Reborn," a collection of fictional short stories exploring the sexual lives and experiences of people with disabilities, in 2012. Ironically, in the article in which I discovered Penny's book, the author mis-named the book, "Desires Unborn," which I found an unacceptable and ironic mistake; in an article supposedly challenging the cultural misconception that folks with disabilities are not sexual beings, the journalist suggests that the desires of folks with disabilities remain "unborn." This misquote made me angry, but reflected how ingrained these fucked up ideas are culturally, and deepened my commitment to challenging and dismantling them. In this Debrief article, published in September of this year, Penny Pepper frankly and humorously shares "the reality of sex as a disabled woman." Check out the full article by clicking here, and download your copy of Desires Reborn here.
A queer, polyamorous love story featuring multiple characters with disabilities--oh, and a zombie apolcalypse. Hell yes!
I had the absolute pleasure to meet author Leandra Vane at CatalystCon West in LA last month. Her workshop entitled "Parallel: Comparing Societal Stigma Between Disability and Sexual Non-monogamy" completely kicked ass. The only disappointing thing in the workshop was realizing that Leandra lives in the mid-west, which means I can't try to hang out with her all the time, but frankly makes the work she does even more kick-ass. (There are reasons I choose to live in California--it's easier to be me out here.)
Leandra generously gave me a copy of her book "Cast from the Earth," despite my multiple assertions that I wanted to pay her for her work. :) OMG--buy this book. Seriously: it's a polyamorous love story featuring characters who could be referred to as queer or bisexual (yay bisexual characters!), many of whom have disabilities. And it's just a downright pleasurable read!
One thing that really struck me reading the book was noticing the tension in my body at different points in the story because I expected drama or heartbreak or violence or "punishment" for these characters for being who they are. Because that's what we usually get in media with stories like these. I was a little shocked to realize in this self-reflection how ingrained that expectation is in my body, which made me value and celebrate the power and importance of Leandra's writing even more than I already did. There are no portrayals of poly-agony/poly drama or over-wrought psycho-social battles with internalized shame around sexual desire. The story isn't "about" polyamory or disability or sexual identity. It's about the characters, and polyamory and disability and sexuality are part of the character's lives. It's so refreshing!
I also want to celebrate Leandra's portrayal of sex work in the novel. Trying to find an adjective to describe the portrayal, I struggle, considering "neutral", "non-stigmatizing", "positive," but decide to go with "realistic." Again, the novel isn't about sex work, but sex work has been a part of some of the characters' lives in different ways. Just part of their story. No big deal. Again...so fucking refreshing.
Thanks, Leandra, for writing a book that reflects so many of the ways I want the world to be, giving me hope that I'm not the only one who desires this, thinks this is possible, and is working to get there. Everything except the zombies, of course. They can stay in the books.
Click here to order your copy of "Cast from the Earth!"
Learn more about Leandra Vane, aka The Unlaced Librarian, on her blog or follow her on facebook, twitter, or Instagram!
Going Gray. Down There.
I’d Rather Masturbate Than Meditate: What is Erotic Embodiment Practice? Part 1
O.school featured in Glamour magazine
Glamour recently interviewed Andrea Barrica, founder of O.school. I'm honored to be one of the inaugural pleasure professionals on this online platform committed to inclusive pleasure education. Launch date this fall! Until then, click the title to read more about the project!
Download "Healers On the Edge" free! Today through Sept 12!
The Kindle version of "Healers on the Edge" is currently available FREE on Amazon.com. "Healers on the Edge is the first anthology to introduce and explain somatic sex education, a trauma- informed touch modality that uses the innate wisdom of the body to help heal physical, emotional, and psychological wounds and expand pleasure. Coming together from a variety of backgrounds, the authors present an array of examples and applications: from scar tissue remediation to gender identity explorations, from sexual problems and dysfunctions to the treatment of chronic trauma and neglect."
Finally, a book-length version of the answer to the question, "What is somatic sex education?" :) Get your copy today!
https://www.amazon.com/Healers-Edge-Somatic-Sex-Education/dp/0973833246
Celebrating the SF Lighthouse for the Blind's Sexual Health Services Program!
So delighted to see this amazing article about the SF Lighthouse's Sexual Heath Services Program Coordinator, Laura Millar, in the Bay Area Reporter! I am BEYOND honored (and soooo lucky!!) to work with Laura--she's brilliant, passionate, and completely committed to this work. My favorite part of the article is when Corbett O'Toole refers to Laura's work as "unprecedented." It truly is. I hope more disability organizations and service providers follow the Lighthouse's lead and incorporate sexual health into their programming.
Click the title of this blog post to read the article in the Bay Area Reporter Online!
What is somatic sex education?
As a sex educator, I’m committed to providing accurate, non-judgmental information to support people to have the healthiest, happiest sex lives they can. I can teach concepts related to consent, anatomy, or pleasure “how-to’s.” All of that is vitally important culturally as most of us did not receive adequate—or any—sex education growing up. But at a certain point I realized that something was still missing. If a person doesn’t know what YES feels like in their body, what NO feels like in their body, providing the definition of consent is only so helpful. If someone is too overcome with shame to look at their own genitals in a mirror or to allow a lover to see their genitals during sexual interaction, teaching them the words to describe their “parts” or how those parts work isn’t enough. And that person can’t experience their full capacity for pleasure, their most authentic and joyful sexual self while bearing the burden of their shame. I can tell a person how to safely engage in anal sex or how to give a great blowjob, but if that person has a history of trauma that limits their ability to feel sensation in general, not just sensations of pleasure, or that makes it challenging or impossible to stay in the present moment during sexual activity, pleasure how to information is useless.
This is where somatic sex education comes in. In somatic sex education, I create a safe container for clients to rebuild or deepen their relationship with their bodies, to become more embodied, as we would say in somatic practice. One of the early pioneers in the field of somatics is Alexander Lowen, a US psychotherapist who is perhaps best known as the creator of a form of body psychotherapy called Bioenergetics. Lowen is quoted as saying, “You are your body.” To make this clearer, I like to say that most people in the US today are pretty disconnected from our bodies—we tend to think of our body as a stick that carries our brain to meetings. But truly our body has its own intelligence—we’re hearing more about this in media and conversations as neuroscience confirms what somatic pioneers like Lowen and his teacher Willhelm Reich figured out decades ago. For example, you’ve probably heard people talk about the “gut brain.” Our brain and our body are in constant two-way communication. The vagus nerve is all the rage right now in trauma theory and neurobiology. Vagus means “wanderer”; it’s a cranial nerve that connects the brain to stomach, intestines, heart, lungs, ears, esophagus, uterus, and more. But the significant thing I’d like to share is that 20% of the vagus nerve is brain to body communication. 80% of it is body to brain communication! If I'm not listening to my body, I'm missing out on a lot of information! I’ve always been an intellectual person, and I LOVE my brain. For me, embodiment is not about denying or rejecting my brain. It’s about rebuilding my ability to hear what my body is telling me so I have access to that wisdom, in addition to the wisdom of my mind. I like to think that when I’m in touch with my body AND my mind, we’re an unstoppable team!
So how do you build that connection with your body and what does that have to do with sex?
The first thing we do is slow down and start noticing what our bodies are saying. Sensation is the language of the body, so we literally slow down and feel what is happening inside our body. We call this somatic awareness. Since we’re talking about somatic experiences, this might be more easily understood in our bodies, not in words, so let’s just do it right now. If I bring my attention into my body and just see what I notice as I write this…I’m aware of an achy feeling in my sacrum (because I've been sitting too long), a pulsing sensation in my throat and mouth, and tension between my temples. Now you try! Just bring your attention into your body and see if any sensation comes to your awareness. Take your time. What do you notice?
That's where we start. The more we practice, the more we notice, the easier it gets. And from there we NOTICE what's happening in our bodies when working to resolve a sexual concern. We become truly able to feel our boundaries in relationship, and that embodied knowing allows us to express or defend our boundaries with more ease and clarity. Somatic awareness gives us CHOICE. When we can feel in our bodies what we desire sexually, how we want to be touched, we have now made it possible to have the kind of sex we want to be having. And since in the act of cultivating our somatic awareness, we have actually begun to increase our capacity to notice, to FEEL, what is happening in our bodies, we have actually increased our capacity to experience pleasure. So not only do we now have the option to ask for the touch we want, but when we get it, it feels even more pleasurable than it would have before.